J.D. Salinger

i don't usually talk or mention or (frankly) care too much about death of celebrities. but... the catcher in the rye is my absolute favorite book. i read it when i was very little in korean just because it was in a gigantic bookshelf my parents had. then a few more times. and i faced it again when i was in high school in english, a few more times. i think it's time for me to read "A Perfect Day for Bananafish". rest in peace j.d.

maybe i have too many realizations and re-realizations; but this is the first series in 2010

time to time, i "regret" certain things i had or had not done earlier in my life. like why didn't i hitchhike earlier or why did i break up with you. i realized that's because, back then, i did not have a strong enough mental to handle "consequences" of doing and not doing something. i am a bit older and a bit more insensitive. so now, i would finely live with either options and i rarely have a strong opinion on any personal matter. this insensitivity, i sincerely hope, does not make me colorless. but it has already, i know well. but it is not entirely clear whether i am better off this way or not.

on an entirely, but maybe not, different note, i was cruising through i-95 on the east coast when i saw and got excited about the highway and the swamp and the river and the forest that had been around my car for many hours already. then my ride was as if it were on the southern coast of south africa or beside a rice field in kochani, macedonia. that dandy feeling of "this awesome ride, this awesome landscape, and this awesome atmosphere". why had not appreciated it more before? maybe it's because i gotta get to a destination and such a journey is a few hours too much or because most of i-95 is lined with tall trees and filled with crazily fast cars. nonetheless, it was amazing feeling, just cruising through.

Tralfamadorian Journey circa 2009

the fact that being academically busy all the time makes me (not only puking my guts out,) emotionless, tasteless, and colorless. even if i might be semi-free during the weekends, i would not want to sit and work on my so-called side projects because i either want to sleep, to do completely nothing, or to seek earthly adventures. i dont think this lifestyle could possibly change anything soon, at least 5 more years, resulting in self-destruction of any kind of creativity.

ps: three nights and three days, "Tralfamadorian Journey" is finally edited :)

losing it in the international water

i feel less of a global citizen and more of a global orphan.

but first take care of life

i dont know where i got this confidence from. perhaps always knowing that i have a deep (and comfortable) hole to fall or jump into. of course, a knock on the door; boom and here i am, awakened just a bit. drinking that free cup of dark dark coffee.
calling a few companies to clear some notices from collection agencies and calling a few places to get back essentials of my life. essentials as in luxuries. being frugal and frugal, saving this and this, freaking few dollars not going to heiti.
then paying hundreds dollars for tickets of life, or just a plain lesson. of course, saying thank you to you. or some stupid totalitarian bullshit. now, thinking about skyrocketing insurance is too much to bear. darn it.
my stomach nowadays feels always messed up and my throat is too murky and vague and my head needs more vitamins. then i just have to get up and work all day in front of my little desk. just gotta listen to "the argument" by the sea and cake and "box elder" by, noone else but, pavement.

i failed

at least i attempted at reconnecting with oldies and goodies.

it's a sign.

looking back last three weeks, and new year

i thought i would totally be able to come up to new jersey at once and start half-ass producing a final paper of mine due next monday. (of course) i am totally out of it and my brain is completely chumped. it's not nostalgia that's bothering me. what happened?

i took a glimpse at stpete through a perspective of my dear friend. crazy, dumb, sweet, faded purple, and that "lost" feeling, at least for me. in dirty americana.. at the same time, i have this feeling that i won't be back to st. pete for awhile. i dont know what it is, but i have a quite mixed feeling (read, bipolar) about pretty much every "stpete".

on other hand, i've never made a new year resolution. at least one that really counts to and for myself. here - i am going to collect a few songs i've written in the past and make a cd. now im in a desperate need to get back to my guitar. 4 years of rest. i don't know if this is "feasible".

i don't know if anything is "feasible" anymore.

dont leave

staying warm
staying close
staying home
staying humble
staying clear
staying open
staying here

unhealthy for my mynd

to think the worst case scenarios which happen.
yeap they always seem to happen.
either lower my expectation or standard.
nope they never seem to happen.