i got nothing man

but fuck im so glad to have my head on my shoulders.

good night friends good bye friends.

there's this weird worm crawling in my tummy. since it's imaginary, i think, if i stop thinking about it, it'd go away and i will be happy. but then i am not sure if it's imaginary. maybe i should be concerned. maybe i should take some drugs to kill this mofo. or does this worm want to be recognized? so i woke up a morning after a night. then i woke up again. i am certain it's in my head. stupid life and stupid money and stupid academia. there i was. it repeats all over again. i am stuck right here. the middle of nowhere.

running errands and learning español

make me feel alive.

i always feel too lucky

is it justifiable to work inhumane hours to escape, eventually, this very place and very people?

are we just wasting our lives, always chasing better times while being stuck in this reality?

is this yet another perpetual illusion, if not paranoia, that happiness will never arrive?

why do we feel needs - insecurity is wrongly blamed - to be reserved and to be far-far-distant?

never too seriously

while i am not sure how i am going to find zen in my life, i do know multiple ways to find zen in my life. it's freezing outside and i feel skinnier than ever. i remember back in the days when i sought out to find myself. years actually. i got a few good stories but none seems to resemble myself. i put my headphones on and i never look back. because the past is the present. taking ownership of the past and the present, especially the present, seem to be an act of a bastard on xmas. speaking of which, "at least I wasn't a drudge, and that school was filled with drudges," said errol morris

a few favorites i do occasionally

i hang beside a railroad to scream as a train passes by. hopefully that train takes away all my distress.

i go into an elevator to listen to three unnecessarily loud minutes of punk - to leave all my worries on the first floor.

i stare at skeleton trees, against a backcloth of blue sky. they remind of myself and makes me feel slightly comfortable.

i take a long route to my work and to my home. so i do not have to be confined by the walls, at least for a fraction of the day.

i drive aimlessly alone at night, because then i may feel alive and sedated.

loud & repetitive indie rock keeps me dazed

life is gas

i did not expect anything. i want my dull life back.

there i was. and here i am. life will never be that good.

then my head is wrapped around and around.

get up and go sleep.

a half decade later

we were lying down on an ocean bed. the universe presented itself right above us. all i can see are millions of stars -- rotating, greeting, and falling right at us.

happiness comes from assurance of reality, maintained by good old friends. how else could you keep your head upright? thus i am even more grateful that we all changed and grew up in "agreeable" directions.

we were speaking of how grateful we all are to be back together, even for a short period of time. we surely know how lucky we all are to have each other.

we never stopped laughing. same difference.

a few favorites [to be added]

paul, sitting in a toilet of fort desoto with steve and me, said the truth of life -- "the second wave is coming"

ms. g, when a kid asked of his grade, went on to say "your grade is not important to me. i am socializing"

tim mumbled "i dunno," twenty three millionth time