im in africa after all.

so when i felt and caught a bum taking my wallet out of my pocket while another bum was pretending to accidentally push me, what am i supposed to say and what am i supposed to do?

seriously.

cleaning up

this question has always been in my head, on and off;
whether im tilted or the world is.
clearly what i see is tilted. am i wrong?

no matter what i do or what i have done, regardless of my choice and effort, "regret" is the one word in my mind. even though there is no other word that i hate more.

so even when everything seems alright, i dont think i am. awkwardly unfitting in this place, i know i can't relive and i know i can take nothing back. i lost too much.

now on, it is just a long tiring road ahead.
god, how much i'd like to rewind that clock five years.

burden

it is way too easy for me to forget a few people who love me unconditionally. they overdo their duties which they assume without a doubt. then i've become unsensitive and want to loose all that extra strings.
advices they give me are beyond my own understanding and often sound illogical and unreasonable and disappointing. in my head, i know they are right. but it is too hard to follow with my heart.
i see they love me so much and i know i love them so much. but the later is much weaker, i have to admit. but i still seek a tiny hole to hide myself away from reality. i will be regretting everything that i do and i dont do.

they are happy if i am happy. and i want to be happy right now but they also know what i have to do to be happy, not now, but in ten, twenty, thirty, and fourty years later... i am too naive.

my cousins

their tears, their hands, their smiles
they give me one reason to lift my head
when i feel lost and confused about the road

i love them so dearly.

i must change even if i dont want to.

yes, all i can do is to put my head down,
study very hard for a marketable degree or two,
get a steady job in academia and work very hard,
listen very hard to others and put my head down,

in a name of rich private famous college

i must thank my college for giving me great and diverse opportunities that i could have never experienced on my own. it may be, for some, hard to understand but it literally frees myself from financial restrictions and pushes me to think, rather, freely.

the college accepted me because of my environment which can never be unique but so different in this college community. the college has given me more money than i've ever deserved. i did literally eat, sleep, play, and study way better than i could "dream".

but that is not always good. well almost always bad because i've become a "rich bastard" without being rich. i have been blind and things that were once totally foreign to me became parts of my life. my adapted living style lets me not to think of hard earned money.

then there is "others". not only are they more bright, but are passionate about their dream. not only are they more passionate, but have ultimate connections which are very good when it comes to getting a job. not only have they connections, but have monetary means to do whatever they please.

now i almost feel bad about my choice. because there was a long period of time that i never really thought "money can do a lot of good things" except buying more expensive limited edition guitars and driving a fancy car. and, oh god, how i wasted so much money.

well, this is not really about money. i am talking about minds, souls, and hearts. and how they can easily change with a supply of goods. but i am saying that my mind has been changed in the same way without actually having enough money. they say that it is good to be ignorant.

im glad i waited 3 days.

not unexpectedly, my last day of 2007 was perhaps
one of the most depressing and disappointing days

and the worst part of this fiasco is that it will
carry on and echo throughout 2008, if not all my life

even after 3 days and 3 nights, im still about to explode