get outta here.

am i going insane?

american movie

my hero

im just looking for one divine hammer

chasing the dragon

i watch train tracks closely, because there are lines i have never taken before and i wonder where they'd go. well actually on some level, i know where they go, like the river line, since i saw them on a map. but really, i dont. so i stare out of my train, that gigantic window, following other tracks. sooner than later, they rapidly disappear, or my eyes just cant keep up.

perhaps everyone is troubled with authenticity. i may be dared to say i'd be angry if everyone isnt. or i may be simply confused or awed or jealous. at this time of my life, "it" is a road that i have not taken and that seems much more real. less i own more freedom i have. but i may be conditioned to never throw it all away.

i haven't taken an intercity bus for awhile, til this weekend. i re-discovered it comes with a certain feeling that is rather special to bus. mild motion sickness, low frequency mechanical noise, tails of light in tunnels, half-asleep half-in-this-reality. we are troubled we are real we are privileged we are nowhere to be found.

perpetual nostalgia

top five in no particular order:
dropout - urge overkill
divine hammer - the breeders
feed the tree - belly
someday - sugar ray
1979 - smashing pumpkins

i am confused and compelled

the last caplet of one hundred sleep aids

farewell this gloomy sunday
good night good good night

ive been thinking about this and that

yes. ive been thinking about this and that, and now is probably not the best time to dump my brain. but then it is a usual case that when i have a shitload of works to do, i turn to other unnecessary activities. wasting time and getting old. unnecessary thoughts.

i haven't really been able to unify my ideology. and rightly so, i do not think that's high on my list. the same goes with how i feel about my current status, your shoes, or that bacteria living off arsenic. particularly i do not know what i think of my age. deep down, i actually think im not that old. i mean last night i was searching craigslist to find a flat in brooklyn. many new chapters to go.

then more than often, i face craziness that is youth, in others. by youth, i mean taste that i could not understand. my parents never understood why i listened to crying nut or nirvana at six am. and i do not mean bad taste - just vastly different. and by others, i mean people that i aint cool enough to be friends with. so in a way, perhaps i judge who they /seem/ to be. then they will, most likely, be considered normal. i used to think there is never a clear cut.

nowadays a lot of things make me dizzy, in a ready-to-vomit manner. responses to wikileaks or america without dream. but i am no saint; all i want is a piece of cake that is called sanity. actually all i want is my 1997 back. or i can compromise and go with 2007. i do feel old nowadays. old indeed, not because of a number attached to me. perhaps i dont see how youth could be so obsessed with maturity and superficiality. i am just restless. jaded and dazed. i put my headphones and try to cut off my thoughts.

yes. i just dont get it. why is it so hard to speak up and live by an inner soul. isn't this bubble collapsing on us. i just want to spend this moment /right/. something dumb something spontaneous something simple.

never too early never too late

coffee, cigi, and cc

ah when did i become so pathetic

sometimes i feel im becoming less and less of a good human being. once i was connected to the earth and lived off happiness of all others. once i cared about nothing. i would could should have stayed back there, all the way back there, all these years.

it's official: this place is conclusively pathetic with no exception (and god, i used to love everything and everyone)

i am glad to make a hasty generalization and to be judgemental;

* you have a wrong order of priorities (hypocritical myself)
! life can't be that serious (i mite be making no exception)
# you wholly embraced everything you disagree with (nah)
& the real world does not like you (the world hates me)
@ your circle isn't that unique (i try hard to be jaded)
% in the socioeconomic stratification mechanism (trust me)
+ your superficiality makes me vomit my vagina out (yah)

kids nowadays might never know.

a band like the feelies, four solid albums in funky ten years or so.