tv dinners and bad beans
i have a clearer picture of my life, than ever before. yet i have a stronger urge to halt now.
often i can see consequences of my action or inaction. usually grim consequences. but i just do exact things that will further fragment my happiness. i often think about what will make me happy. but even more often i think of times, places, and lovers that will make me stable. so stable that my endorphin is off the chart everyday just eating a tv dinner. why does anybody want tv dinners?
my grandmother and my mother would say a lot of little things. her voice is calming and i don't care too much what is being said. i nod. my father used to tell me a lot of ideas that i didnt want to believe in. "truth" about life, relationship, and existence. i fought, viciously and politely. i now understand much more about those boring and "corrupted" wisdoms, depressingly. lo and behold, i dont believe them but i can sympathize. i can almost see myself believing them in 10 years.
this thin line of a disaster and a success is bound to disappear. every turn, there will be better opportunities. better getaways. better drugs. becoming the most boring person is the goal, is the winning, and is the myself-in-notime. then i will be even more confused, and speedy. i dont want the next 10 years to happen. it is good to have that other side that is greener. something to blame on, something to look forward.
last four weeks have been of absolute insanity. i lost faith in humanity, which, i've been told, helps me being normal. i know what it means to be paranoid, unlike tea partiers being paranoid of the government. where do i find my blue bird? i do want to be where i have no worries. nonetheless this ticket will only bring me that inevitable sadness. i dont say i didnt know. an emotional rollercoaster of youth, after swimming with extraordinary for few nights. why does anybody want bad beans?
often i can see consequences of my action or inaction. usually grim consequences. but i just do exact things that will further fragment my happiness. i often think about what will make me happy. but even more often i think of times, places, and lovers that will make me stable. so stable that my endorphin is off the chart everyday just eating a tv dinner. why does anybody want tv dinners?
my grandmother and my mother would say a lot of little things. her voice is calming and i don't care too much what is being said. i nod. my father used to tell me a lot of ideas that i didnt want to believe in. "truth" about life, relationship, and existence. i fought, viciously and politely. i now understand much more about those boring and "corrupted" wisdoms, depressingly. lo and behold, i dont believe them but i can sympathize. i can almost see myself believing them in 10 years.
this thin line of a disaster and a success is bound to disappear. every turn, there will be better opportunities. better getaways. better drugs. becoming the most boring person is the goal, is the winning, and is the myself-in-notime. then i will be even more confused, and speedy. i dont want the next 10 years to happen. it is good to have that other side that is greener. something to blame on, something to look forward.
last four weeks have been of absolute insanity. i lost faith in humanity, which, i've been told, helps me being normal. i know what it means to be paranoid, unlike tea partiers being paranoid of the government. where do i find my blue bird? i do want to be where i have no worries. nonetheless this ticket will only bring me that inevitable sadness. i dont say i didnt know. an emotional rollercoaster of youth, after swimming with extraordinary for few nights. why does anybody want bad beans?
posted by gheco unn at
7:08 PM
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