a note about being korean and speaking korean

it isnt too easy to have a conversation in korean
without hearing a few english words, if not several.
pass, nice, fighting, real, member, smile, etc, etc

but on any occasion, i try to avoid using english.
not only korean is a beautiful language to speak, but
i feel awkward inserting, rather, random english words.
(i wear my brothers' really cheap korean cloths from 90s)

then when a conversation somehow turn into "me",
people often ask me if i forgot how to speak korean.
better yet some people do say i speak poor korean.

and i dont know if my intentional usage of pure korean
words makes my conversational korean weak.
(then some comment on how i dress up in american style)

kinda the worst lie

it is a little amusing to listen to other parents
asking for how i was brought up and how my parents acted
on schooling, dating, studying, communicating, and whatnot

and i just can't say "i had been whipped like a mad dog"
or "i've never really communicated with my family, honestly"
or better yet, "i'm a fucking failure, why you asking me?"

so i lie.
and not that i feel bad for lying to them,
i feel bad that i can't just say what was actaully going on.

그러니까 말야

뭐가 잘하는 것일까?
그런 생각,
그런 생각을 말야, 할수 있는 것이 사치겠지.
그런 생각을 할 틈도 없이 또 바쁜 세상의
흐름속에 빨려들어 가지.

단 한순간도 스스로를 위해 살지 않는 인생인 것인지
또는 그 단 한순간을 살기위해 노력해 가는 인생인지.

gone, yesterday

i can't help but feel chilled here in the south,
feel isolated surrounded by a big family tree.

i guess i've been disappointing a lot of people
but at the same time, i've been so disappointed
by beloved people that i can't hardly stand.

it is a little too late to realize but i realized that
i've lied to everyone and myself for a little too long.
and when the truth came out of my mouth, noone is with me.
i am an painfully plain college student with a silly dream.

so i just feel hopeless. it has nothing to do with who i am.
it's everyone who thinks like me. i become a part of a trend.
there is no place for my wants, dreams, happiness, and identity.

i learnt that we do what we are truly passionate about.
and we are told to never give up. we embrassed an idea that
now is better than never. never consider of money and fame.
because, because, my dad told me that if i follow my dream
other things will follow. and i should never consider materials.

but that was over 13 years ago. what a silly me.
of course, that's far from reality. i can not give up
something if i've never even tried. and im not supposed
to try, because it's a russian rullet, fully loaded.

sugar coated words are flowing around and i can't see
what's true and what's not. i can't tell who's for what.
what's really important and what's insignificant?
everything makes a perfect sense in my head but who cares.
at the same time, everyone else is much wiser than me.

i once had a sweet dream. pure one.
and everyone's trying to kill it.

this is only time i say this

i am higly jealous of a kid with rich family;
not because of fancy car, big house, and fat wallet,
but for thoughts, career, and life free from poverty

and i hate myself.

untitled; bangkok, thailand.

it's such a lovely day. while the sun is pumping the heat onto our skins to mold us modest, the breeze touches us with tenderness.

everyone's moving fast; it's survival, it's natural, it's love, and it's us, all of us. in the society which forwards itself without a second thought, we don't have many choices but jump onto this wagon.

don't worry though. it's the beauty. when we are on this adventure, neither we know what's dirty or not, nor is there such a distinction.

strugling we force ourselves to face only loops around and we ended up at the starting point where we are naive.

we would never, maybe should never, be free from the earth, the sky, the ocean, the people, the surrounding, and the past.

we like to hold onto impossilbes. regrets and dreams. but we are who we are, lovely ones, because of things we don't have. things we can never have.

before this feeling fades away

suddenly there IS a greater and deeper value
associated with australia, sydney, uni, and people.

it is a silly thing to "realize" but
i didn't have this feeling when i left to auckland.
whatever "this feeling" is.

just walking on george st, broad way, and kings cross
waiting for trains at the central or redfern station
listening to sonic youth on my way to university
looking at waves and surfers at the bondi beach

these and more become alive now. melancholy and nostalgic.
now they will live in my head for ever. not by a choice.

sydney revisited. that comfort.

before realizing how much i miss of kiwiland,
when i step out into the central station,
there was this corrupted heavy hot odor.

it felt so great to be (non-existant) home
away from home. it's really hard to describe that
first 10 seconds...

i'm glad i discovered another facet of sydney.

thank you!

sometimes we underestimate the love of people.
and it is always pleasant to be surprised by them.
only thing i can do is be open and love all back.

new zealand 11/17/2007 to 12/09/2007

north island: flourish, roger
wellington: gabrielle
ferry: anja
takaka: justin, jess c., age
to franz josef: lucas
milford sound: shayne kapa
queenstown: ethel
dunedin: guss, jess, kim
christchurch: amber, issac c.

it's different, but the same

maybe it's that day (dec 5th to be exact), everyone, 5 to be exact, i encountered, had a purple bic lighter and the last person gave me his purple bic lighter. so i now i have two identical purple bic lighters.

or Age, whose friends (Justin and Jess) picked me up and let me stay with their house for couple nights, happened to play with Anika Moa in the dunedin club, which my people run and i happened to be there for a little bit and encountered him once again.

i dont know. what's there. but i like the air in the air.

my name is nahiri

we are too often, if not always, too quick to decide
if one before us is "cool, hip, and up in our alley"
just based on superficial features.

we say one thing but do act differently, automatically.
experiences are only way to learn the good lesson.
i am glad i did meet good people. tika hoki.

3 am, full of stars

it is the uplifting feeling you get after a good night of sleep and a good breakfast and a nice white flat coffee. or maybe really good beer going through your throat after a good surfing session.
i feel connected to the earth and i feel connected to good people. close and far away. that's what i am looking for. it can not be described. can't it?

life is harsh though. it'd never let me have two rabbits.
life is gas. life goes on.

but with a warm heart and good memories.
happy days. happy days. happy feet.