daily report

im still half-unpacked
with two gigantic suitcases literally taking over my tiny room
wetsuit makes my room smells like a rubber factory
a broken lava lamp and flowery blanket decorates my room
i definitely need and want more food. water doesnt fill me up
i became a vegetarian and only consume ramen, bread, and water
i bought "super wafer" but an expiration date is 15 july
i ran out of money, completely, finally.

are you happy?

"i am unhappy"
it is hard to actually say that, nowadays. all that eyes and ears

it's a different kind of unhappiness. don't look at me like that
well... you will never know how i feel.
it has been a long train of incidents
little ones are as important as big ones.

i don't know. people are.. .... really happy and fun.
my real friends, friends, ex-somethings, strangers, childhood friends
they are just happy. their lives are full of excitement, it seems.
even they don't say they are happy or anything like that,
their lives are full of events that they love and enjoy.

it's like, people can't wait until weekends when they can get crunk
yeah i get crunk on friday night with interesting people, but
i've never waited, wanted, or loved that. i am still feeling blue.
it just happens but i let it happen to keep myself busy.
i never want that.

all these are surreal to me.

i feel that i will never feel happy truly.
this is actually why i am down. this is the point of my unhappiness.
i came to realize that i am not going to be.
im already too old and i can't recover ...
(oh it sounds funny. maybe you think i am going through a typical stage in one's life. MAYBE)

i blame noone. i don't blame myself. i don't blame you.
it's not about my wonderful friends.
it's just how it is. how i am.
my genes, environments, and life.

some nights i might look like im having good time,
but back in my mind, bottom of my stomach,
im low, down, and yellow.

only thing that keeps me going is knowing that
i came here to feel exactly like this.
i didn't know what "this feeling" was gonna be.
but i knew everything would be different and
i knew i was gonna feel something different.
i knew i would have nobody and i knew i would feel empty.

yes i am here. yes i am here to feel this.

can i be really free?

when i feel stuck, i just walk. that's what sydney's good for
there is absolutely nothing entertaining about walking
yet the systemic flaw of people, traffic, and neon lights
let me forget about all the bad memories and feelings i have,
at least for that moment.

i do again walk on broadway to nowhere

facts (im not trying to look down upon myself)

i sometime fool myself into thinking i am something.
something
awesome, cool, and greater than who i really am.

million people and million small talks,
long day and even longer night,
walking out from a bar and straight into a traffic

million people and million neon signs,
a short walk down a street, fresh air and burning smoke,
i realize how small i am, how weak i am.

turn upside down

starting all new, clean, cold, and broke.
i can do it even though i can't do it.

summer time

going to walmart after midnight with friends,
then coming back to an apartment to make some
lemon-pepper-chicken quesadilla.

3:30 am chilling on the bridge nearby and
coming back to an apartment to chill more
super sweet super hot tea with super ices.

watching some music videos on vh1 but
nonetheless generally just sitting.
summer time's good

this is what i am living

from a rough night

getting up after

the sun's high

can be tough

but walkin a bit outside

under the bright sun

with good old friends

with good old vibe

makes everything wonderful


thanks god

summer's good