too intense (read too emo) existential crisis on an airplane to london, verbalized

"i realized, rather gradually, that i'm having a great difficulty to be without my dear friends. how cliche. i just feel extremely unstable and feel wearily sick. my hear has been beating rapidly and my head seems to have no brain. i need to slow FUCK down. i need to be at home. home that does not exist for me. to be honest, i don't even look forward to traveling europe. not excited. only nervous. not because of physical dangers but because it might make me even more unstable and it might tip my emotion over the top. but now, i actually, first time in many years, want to be taken care of. yes, like a little puppy. of course this does not seem to be possible. in any tangible way. so here im. just to let myself to be tested again and to forget. what is happiness. it's inevitable to ask that to myself. and it's inevitable to not be able to answer that. for now, though, i admit, for the first time in my life, stability is happiness. home, lovers, no drug. friends family, and no more loniness."

as written on june 1st