revisitation

On wednesday night, I'd just like to start my little journey.
more days i've spent in sydney, i feel like i'm really settling in.
what do i hate more than reliability and stability.

So there was a long walk to Jager Uprising, half intoxicated.
i definitely enjoyed walking more than a mediocre local band.
then i folded a plan of walkin back and took a bus back to Darlington.

A tiny messy room with much anticipated smell.
smell combined of a plant, a pile of dirty clothes, and a wet suit.
there was a laptop with many albums to revisit.

life isnt that bad, ... right?

the clash - combat rock
the strokes - room on fire
supercar - high vision
sweater - staccato green
the vines - highly evolved

inevitability of failure

isn't life full of choices?
every way i go
every word i spit
every emotion i make
every day i decided to get up

most of time, before i know it, choices are already chosen;
feet are already moving fast
mouth is pouring out dirty words
sensors are feeling and heart is pumping
today i happened to get up and tomorrow i have no choice

another weekend, another week.

sometime when i look back,
maybe last week, last month, last semester, or last year,
hell - i've been wasting my life. (no, not under influence)
and i wouldn't be complaining if i spent all that time lying on a park

ive been just letting my life to go by.

i doubt this week will be that much different.
but i want to smile more often, see sky more often,
sit on grasses more often, hang out on the backyard more often,
and greet random strangers more often.

i do appreciate every moment in my life. i just need to pay back.

my childhood's scariest dream

(i just recalled this and it is still very scary)

back in my home country, my apartment was in a huge complex
that contained hundreds of same rectangular ivory+grey+bit of
very light green "apartments".

each apartment usually had 3 completely separated front doors
that lead to 50 units, two untis facing each other in 25 floors.
so in a floor, there are only two units and they are not connected
to any other unit. there was no way to get to neighbor apartment
without taking an elevator back down and going into a different
front door.

in my dreams, i had to take an elevator to my home.
but somehow i went into a different front door and catching
an elevator. i was somehow believing that that elevator would be
able to take me to my home. and there, i was pushing a button
believing that'd be the right button to my unit.

now an elevator is moving. speeding up. going up.
and it passes my floor and up up up.
at that point, im a bit scared of speed but still believing that
this elevator will eventually go to my home, it's not that bad.
i had believed that an elevator will go to the top floor and switch
to the next series of units. or something like that. ridiculous.
but then, suddenly it stops and starts moving downward.
soon i know, this elevator is freely moving in 3 dimension.
it's just absolutely going crazy and i am just scared to death.
i am not really scared of speed or its movement..
idk. i am scared that it was trying to kill me. this elevator is.

so i press a ground button. then suddenly the elevator drops,
drops. it seems like forever. so there was a slight moment
of hope. yes and no. no i was wrong. the elevator passes the
ground level and goes down forever. and then again developing
3 dimensional crazy up-down-right-left shit.
(i dont recall feeling the elevator rotating or flipping.)
i start clicking all and any buttons, but none works the way
i intend. the elevator is going in directions that make me soooo
scared.

and then before i realized i couldnt take it anymore. i woke up.
now im thinking, i think i died or passed out in my dream then i woke up

i dreamt very similar dreams like this really often.
i dont know when the last time i dreamt this.
i dont want to.

(i got really scared while writing this, goose bumps everywhere)

obsessive compulsive disorder

everything i do quietly fits.
yes i have OCD.

where i belong by honeyroot

ocean, mother

ocean wraps around me
it's ice cold but it warms me up
viciously takes me and throws me off

ocean takes off my superficial outer layers
while in water, there is only me and ocean
there is no time to put my makeups

ocean lets me forget about everything
i only think of waves, water, and ocean
blue sky, blue ocean, blue soul

ocean calms me down
temperature, color, smell, wind, sound... all aligned
my mind's tranquil

ocean forgives me unconditionally
ocean will never let me down
ocean is always there, always

i love you but you are bringing me down

New York, you're perfect don't, please, don't change a thing
Your mild billionaire mayor's now convinced he's a king
And so the boring collect, I mean all disrespect
In the neighborhood bars I'd once dreamt I would drink

New York, I love you but you're freaking me out

There's a ton of the twist but we're fresh out of shout
Like a death in the hall that you hear through your wall

New York, I love you but you're freaking me out
New York, I love you but you're bringing me down
New York, I love you but you're bringing me down

Like a death of the heart. Jesus, where do I start?
But you're still the one pool where I'd happily drown

---

when i was walking to a market to get some groceries,
a radio station happened to play this song.
since then it's stuck on my ears.