digital future

i have been very dark lately
the adult-type darkness
searching for happiness seems
to do exactly opposite

enjoying the darkness ends up
brightening my tomorrow

tomorrow promises no tomorrow
put all your eggs on tomorrow
i wouldn't like it any other way

the future dark and white

zoning out

it surprises me how loud i can listen to music,
if i am driving alone late night and smoking a cigarette.

i had once been confused that confusion calls for a stiff hug.
consistent grooves on the pavement add to my hopeful confusion.

the light speeds through and the infinite dark speeds through.
multiple minute waves pass me by, leaving me mystified.

4 am blues on the nj us 1

as i drive four overly intoxicated people down the us 1, this weird stomach feels me up. can we just drive in silence? it all feels druggy and new jersey.
my limbs feel unlike mine and my eyes are wide awake. i wasnt sure what i was supposed to do. at every moment and any moment. it all feels too icy too thin.

this rapid introspection, to this minimal techno, only reveals my subconscious insecurity. insecurity about whether i belong.
do you know? she thinks so. but i am unsure whether she's right. this sudden, yet predictable, departure from my reality. reality that only hint i am long gone.

too soft to lose too rough to lose

a trip tends to linger on my mind
that one tender late afternoon
the short and curious walk, outside and inside

anything i will sacrifice to keep my mind
that post-trip glow followed by
the long and anxious downhill spiral

a day after, numbness overtakes my mind
that woolen socks disappeared far too long ago
the moment of promises, to be broken

it is what it is

the fall is here.

i used to be all upbeat inside, but tried to chill as much. now, im downbeat inside that i tried to be calm as possible. the same difference.

i wait for orange leaves and hay-burning smells.

all has come to a halt. i don't know if i have tried to stop or speed up this halting process. it's for good, and for (short) awhile i will really enjoy my post-halt self-exile hippie-hermit state.

the coolness of this september may be appreciated.

who knew all the jokes were real. may i speak less. as i am incapable of understanding other beings or things. you may only understand me if you disregard my opinion. i utter to fill the void.