why do i feel it's all fake.

i dont know if it's because i did not sleep til 5am, every day last week but now i can't fall asleep. i smoked a half cig and drank a grape juice and im just wide awake at 4 am.

but i am not sure if it's because i am thinking about how i feel too old and how i don't think i will ever feel like a youngster. and how i want to reinvent myself. all from the beginning. but it's too late.

last night i took two sleeping pills to fall asleep after laying on my bed for an hour. and i have this rule for myself that i don't take sleeping pills consecutively.

i am totally falling in love with the great society and the jefferson airplanes. then i saw the present grace slick.

i thought about recent trips i made to north carolina and florida, which in retrospect seem just to relive a bit of my younger self. but in the process, i think i killed my younger self.

i need a real life.