how i wish i could be doing regretful things.

i dont know what to make out of my recent activities - both academic and social and mental. ive been seemingly busy doing and seemingly balancing quite well what i like and what i dont like. but in retrospect, i am not sure of their meaningfulness. perhaps out of wishing to be preoccupied, so i do not have to think too hard, too deep, and too long, i would carry out a lot of little things which i would not have done a year ago or ten years ago.

i know for now that i know at this point that i am not doing anything regretful but i feel that that's just how i have become a mainstream stability seeking douche. i wish i could be doing something adventurous, dangerous, and potentially regretful. it's like paying that extra 200 dollars to avoid getting points on my driving records - fully submitted to this society's (questionable) norms.

i can't help too much i suppose. i just keep half-ass-making plans; for this summer, for next year, for a few years later, but not for several years later. and fully pleasure-oriented. i do now daydream about being in the republic of estonia or tripping down california. well i must have been quite well adjusted to my current status as a graduate student, since nothing will stop how i will work next week.

and i don't even get depressed anymore.